Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
as a side note pls kill me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
