so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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