who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
