i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
They are going to name an STD after you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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