come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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