I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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