I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You can't special order awesome
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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