youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
