She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
