I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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