So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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