You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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