im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
