It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
