also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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