well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
