please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
