Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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