So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
