i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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