I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
