It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
