I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
