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GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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