so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween