i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
