I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
