I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Randomize
