He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
