remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
