Everything about him screamed your future.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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