If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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