Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
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Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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