Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
