I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
