Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
