I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
