Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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