i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
