I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dating After Heartbreak
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.