it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume