You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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