A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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