Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
