we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Found the puke drawer
You made out with two different species that night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
