I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
