I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
