yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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