He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
