I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
