He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
