I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
