Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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