Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
