she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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