Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
