Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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