sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
