oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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