i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
